Dear President Samuelson,
I send this letter in regards to your prestigious and well-structured university that has been growing in size ever since 1903 when it first officially became Brigham Young. Let me first start off by saying that I highly respect how the university is sponsored by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints considering that it serves more than 1.2 million people throughout 144 different countries. I assume with this sponsorship must come certain responsibilities and codes that I am sure all the students must follow. Being interested in what specific codes must be followed, I took a look at the webpage and this is what I found. According to the Honor Code Statement, “ All students will be honest, live a chaste and virtuous life, obey the law and all campus policies, use clean language, respect others, and abstain from alcohol and substance abuse.” (Honor code) Although all of these rules are understandable, I would like to talk to you about one in particular that I feel very strongly about. This is f the severity of the living a chaste and virtuous lifestyle.
Having about 12,000 students in the entire university as compared to other 30,000 student schools, it is safe to say that in a smaller campus, it may be easier to keep track of the students and what activities they engage in. It is possible for campus police to spot alcohol and other substances as well as enforcing a dress code, but one thing I do not see being reasonable is the severity of not following the code of living a chaste life in which they may not participate in sexual actions with either the same or opposite sex. I know that the University is known for its moral code and that if the student decided to attend the college that there is no way around it but I think the severity of the rule should be looked over. According to a study done with 1,000 students from UW-Madison by Mark Kinders, “Students between 18 and 23, 75% of males and 60 % of females are sexually active.” (Kinders) I know BYU and UW-Madison are two completely different schools and that you both have your own rules, but if that many students are sexually active at other colleges, it could be possible that students at BYU are secretly engaging in sexual activity as well. This being said, I would like to talk about a recent incident in which I believe you might reconsider your approach on the severity of the chaste lifestyle code.
During the entire month of March, the men’s basketball team, who has been brilliantly been coached by David Rose was in the running for a National Championship but were unfortunately knocked out in the round of 16. Being that BYU is very school spirited and appreciates their basketball team, if it is not too soar of a subject, I would like to bring up the incident that happened with the Center, Brandon Davies. Before the tournament even began, Davies was a top player on the team and unfortunately was kicked off for engaging in pre-marital sex. I send my apologies to you and the University in that this obviously hurt the chances of a successful tournament in that BYU was just doing what they had to do looking at the Honor Code. According to Marien Garcia of USA Today, “The team’s momentum for a No. 1 seed in the NCAA tournament, and its chances of reaching the Final Four, might go with him.” (Garcia) That being said, I would like to hope we could both agree that these unfortunate actions could have been a factor as to why the BYU basketball team did not move on further in the tournament.
I know in the scheme of things, winning a basketball title is somewhat of a road-bump when realizing that to win it meant breaking an entire Honor code that has been established for years and years. Now, I would like to look even further past just losing a game, and focus on how the severity of the chaste code might affect Davies future out of college as well. Being president of a University, I think it is safe to say that you truly care about each and every one of your students and that you want to make sure all of them leave with successful and happy job opportunities. Being that Davies is only a 19 year-old sophomore, at 6 foot 9, this tournament wasn’t just a basketball game to him, but also meant having an opportunity to impress NBA coaches who might be interested in him in the future. NBA coaches recruit top athletes from the time they are in high school all the way through their college years, so for Davies to be a huge part of a possible National Championship team means that he could have definitely had a couple of looks. I know there was no intention by the University to hurt his career, but this is a real and serious consequence from being kicked off the team. I also know the University has not made a decision as to whether Davies will be allowed to play or attend the school next year, but I would really hope that you take the NBA scouting opportunity as a reason to give him another chance in the back of your mind.
As I wrap up this letter to you, I think it is clear that I honestly do respect the rules and regulations set up by Brigham Young University. I do believe that it is fair for all students to remain substance free and I even think it is all right for you to have a chaste code in general, but once again I think the severity of it can be reduced. I appreciate that you have spent the time to read my letter and before I let you go I would like to just bring up some possible alternatives for punishment if the chaste lifestyle rule is broken. Instead of being expelled from the school or being kicked off a collegiate team, maybe the student will have some credits taken away from them during the specific semester that the rule was broken in. One other possibility could be that the student must take a course/class in the college that offers reasons and beliefs on why the code really should be followed at the University and what it is all about. Once again thank you for your time and when considering my reason as to why the severity may be reduced, just remember that as a college student and you as a president, we both want successful and happy job opportunities when graduating.
Sincerely,
Jake Eckhaus
Works Cited
Garcia, M. (n.d.). BYU's brandon davies suspended for the rest of the season.
Retrieved March 23, 2011, from http://content.usatoday.com/communities/
campusrivalry/post/2011/03/byu-brandon-davies-suspended/1
Honor code statement. (n.d.). Church educational system honor code (byu
webpage). Retrieved March 29, 2011, from http://saas.byu.edu/catalog/
2010-2011ucat/GeneralInfo/HonorCode.php#HCOfficeInvovement
Kinders, M. (n.d.). Educators discuss student sexual activity. Retrieved March
27, 2011, from http://www2.uwrf.edu/news_bureau/1103001.html
Jake,
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting topic, and one that I had never heard about. Good job establishing a common ground with the President in the essay. I really liked the story about the basketball player who was kicked off the team for breaking the honor code. Because of the consequences you mentioned in this story, it helped establish your perspective.
A few notes:
Since I was not familiar with this college, I would spend a few sentences just acknowledging where this college is located. However since you have directed it to the President himself, it may not be necessary. Use your own discretion.
I liked how you used the statistic of how many youths are sexual active. You made a connection between the statistic at UW-Madison and BYU, are these universities near each other?
As powerful as your argument about Davies was, it took up the majority of your paper. Try to use another example, just to prove your point. I like your compromise at the end, asking the President to reconsider the severity of punishment for breaking the honor code.
Great paper! Good luck with your revisions.
-Christina
Dear Jake,
ReplyDeleteGreat job on your essay. We discussed our ideas in class, and you really put this all together well. You have a very unique and pinpointed topic, and on top of that, I think you made excellent use of "The Rogerian Argument" You took the opposing side very well and I was very impressed. This seems like an ideal Rogerian argument.
You had a few typos, including one in the first sentence of your third paragraph. Maybe just do another read-through of your work to check for any others.
Other than that, fantastic paper! Good luck on your revision!
- Greg Tilden
Jake,
ReplyDeleteWell done on your first draft. It successfully conveys an empathetic and understanding of the opposing side without ever getting too "classical" in your argument style.
A couple notes:
1. For the sake of your audience, you might want to give a little more background information on what and where this college is, why this topic is important to be discussed, etc. Although technically your audience is the president of the college, it still might be prudent to give a little background for those who are unsure or unaware of the school.
2. Use a couple more scholarly sources to build up more ethos. What is here is very effective; one or two more reports on outside research or reports might help make your argument even stronger.
3. I like how at the end, you establish clear-cut compromises. It comes off as very Rogerian. I think you have a grasp on the whole "Rogerian" aspect of this paper pretty well; however, I might add a little more empathy in the middle of your paper to balance out these Rogerian sections.
Great job on your first draft. It's clear, with good, empathetic points, based around a new and interesting topic. Good job again, and good luck with your revision!
-Ethan Wennberg
Jake,
ReplyDeleteI think you started off your aguement very well. By saying how much you respect the universities ways you created smooth ground for the president right off the bat.
Overall you encoporated the rogerian aspect of the argument very well. I know a lot of kids in the class said this was difficult but you found a nice way segment it into your points.
You also did a good job introducting your sources. A couple things I might add is to do a little more background information on he university and especially of Davies. Maybe talk about how he is a good student and citizen or whatever.
Good luck with the 2nd draft, hope this helps,
-Dan Sheldon
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJake,
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a great job on your first draft. I thought you did a nice job making it in a letter format. I thought you should however somehow incorporate who President Samuelson is. I am assuming he is the president of BYU but I’m not sure. I like how you showed your respect towards the university in the beginning. It gives it a more professional feel. I also thought you should talk a bit more about the background of the controversy involving Brandon Davies. For those who are not sports fans, they most likely did not hear about this story. I also think you need some more scholarly sources.
Overall, nice job on your first draft. Good luck on your revisions.
Greg Bloom
Jake,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your first draft of your Rogerian argument. I think your choice of topic is interesting and as a fellow college basketball fan, I like the challenge of the decision to throw Davies off the team, but I am not sure if this style is the best way to go about it. I understand that you have already written the draft, and this could be ineptitude on my part, but I have not seen the aggressive and polar sides of argument that I have seen in other topics. With that said, I think you did a great job in addressing the nature of the topic with a well-crafted introduction. You established the respect and common ground necessary for an opponent of your claim to calm down enough to read the rest of the paper. But I think that your sentence at the end of the first paragraph is a little too bold. It clearly goes against BYU’s Honor Code and it is tough to change that.
I did enjoy the Rogerian language used such as “both agree” in the third paragraph, “honestly do respect”, “believe”, and “fair” used in the fifth paragraph, etc. You addressed the reasons why Davies should remain at BYU and even on the team, but there was not a lot about why BYU had to remove him from the team other than because the Honor Code. It is a part of the Mormon religion to remain chaste until after marriage, and so to challenge the Code is to challenge the religion itself. You should reconsider your argument in a way that does not conflict with that point. Try to just reason for the sake of basketball rather than overlook the Code, which does not leave you in a good position.
I think for the tough topic you chose, you effectively brought across your point and provided valid compromises. With the help of your classmates’ reflections, you will be on your way to a great Rogerian paper. Good luck with your revisions!
--Ethan Freedman
Jake,
ReplyDeleteThis was a really interesting paper to read. I had never thought about this before, and it was a really interesting topic. There were a few typos in the beginning of your essay, such as soar, which should be sore. The president of the college could be introduced before you reference him, it takes a minute to figure out that he is the president of the college.
good job overall, and good luck on the next draft
Jake, this is an excellent first draft and I was really impressed with your incorporation of the Rogerian style argument. You really did a great job at finding common ground with the president and using Rogerian language, which definitely strengthens your overall argument.
ReplyDeleteThis topic is very interesting. I've heard a little bit about it before but you did a great job at clearly presenting the conflict.
I think your paper could use one or two more paragraphs introducing another example of why the college's lifestyle rules are not ideal. The example of Brandon Davies was a strong one, but I think the letter would have much more credibility if you included another type of example, perhaps one centered on a strong source.
Also, think about adding more of the pathos which would definitely appeal to Samuelson since a major goal of his is to uphold a virtuous lifestyle.
Great paper and good luck on your revision
~Molly
Hey jake,
ReplyDeleteGreat first draft, I really do not know much about this university, but your essay surely covered that void. The topic worked especially well since you are a college student.
You did a good job in finding common ground, and there was good use of rogerian language e.g. thank you, consider etc. and I especially liked how you stated the subject matter in the intro but didn't exactly take a side, you only mentioned that you "strongly feel" about it, which was great!
Though, I also do feel that you spent too much time on the Davies argument. While that was a very strong example, perhaps diversifying with other examples can make you stand much stronger.
Jake,
ReplyDeleteGood job with your paper. I think that overall, it was well written and an interesting topic. One thing that you did extremely well was using Rogerian language. I think it came across as very respectful, and that you really were trying to help come to a compromise with the other side as opposed to just make them think what you think.
Some things I think could be worked on are establishing more common ground sooner than the last line of your paper. You could definetly do more of that. Also, I think you could present more of the opposing view point and the reasons behind those beliefs. You started to in the beginning, but I still think you could expand on that.
Lastly, I was wondering what the punishment was for breaking the honor code through almost the whole paper, so just mention that expulsion is the consequence sooner to avoid this confusion.
Other than that, great work!
Lindsay
Jake,
ReplyDeleteGreat job with your first draft! I like that you formatted it into a letter, which is very effective with what your side of the argument is. I also really like your topic and remember hearing about it in the news, so it was interesting to see your opinion on it.
You also did a great job of using Rogerian-type language, especially in the first paragraph. By stating that you highly respect Brigham Young makes your argument more convincing.
Here are some things you can work on:
I think you should add more common ground and a compromise before your last paragraph. Maybe a paragraph or two. Mostly throughout your argument, you are showing your respect to them. Even though this is effective, it would be even more so if you add a compromise or more common ground.
I also think you should add more background of the event in your first paragraph. Even though it is in a letter format towards the President of Brigham Young, you should still add background of the previous event from the start. It will make your argument more clear for the reader.
You should also add more evidence throughout your paper. Even though you did show some, it would be more effective to add more scholarly ones. I remember hearing on the news about someone else who had to leave a sport team due to sexual activity from their university a few years ago. You could also add this evidence and how it changed his life to show how it will change Davies's life.
Great job on your first draft and good luck on your revisions!
-Joni Fromer
Jake,
ReplyDeleteLet me start off by saying this is a good beginning to what could be a great paper. I agree with your claim and I found your ideas of punishment very fascinating.
That being said, here are a few things that you could work on:
-Try to proof read your paper before handing it in. I find that reading it out loud helps to catch a loot of the spelling errors and awkwardly phrased sentences that I found in your paper.
-In this sort of paper, you find that you want to explain your reasonings while still trying to be kind to the audience. I think that this caused you to be a little wordy and use unnecessary phrases. Try to cut down on words like "being that", "in that", "I would like to", etc. These phrases are good in small quantities, getting rid of them makes your points more concrete.
-You had some good sources but I feel like you could have introduced them more thoroughly and relate them to your arguments. Even another source could be beneficial.
-It is important to acknowledge the other person's side. You do that briefly throughout the paper, but you don't mention why the president is so adamant about chaste.
Other than that, this was a great first draft. I wish you the best of luck on revising.
Good job!
-Elizabeth Rubel
Jake,
ReplyDeleteSolid first draft. I think you really understand the concept of the Rogerian argument. I found your topic quite fitting for this type of essay. The currency of the situation definitely helped and was a great connection to the school's overall issues that have probably been heavily debated for a while. I thought the compromises you suggested were great at providing common ground. You use a lot of rogerian language that makes your essay truly effective.
Some suggestions:
I would like to hear a bit more about BYU and its policy. A bit more background information would provide the reader with more of an understanding (even though I realize you are writing it to the president of the school). There are several sentences in your essay that are awkwardly phrased. I would suggest just looking over them and reading the essay out loud to enhance your ability to convey your point. As much as your information is sufficient for the argument, may I suggest you go beyond the three sources and find one or two more that emphasize your stance? I understand this might be difficult.
All in all, great start! Good luck!
- Molly Schneider
Jake,
ReplyDeleteI like how you formatted this like a letter! It gives a new fresh format that helps in the reading process. I found it hard knowing what your essay was going to be about from reading the first paragraph. I am curious whether "f the severity..." in the first paragraph was a mistake or whether you was censoring the f-word and you meant to have it in there.
This goes along with my point that I think you should proof read this before you post it. There a quite a few points in which I think you over used commas and it disrupted the flow of the essay, especially in the first and second paragraph.
I also think it is important to ensure that this is a rogerian argument. As much as you recognize the opinion of the opposition, you should go deeper into why they want to promote this kind of attitude and virtues on their students.
Great first draft and keep it up!
Jake,
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started reading, I wasn't really sure where you were going with your argument - but I think that fact works very strongly in this case. Because I did not know your position or point, I wanted to keep reading. This topic is really interesting and I think it's an easy subject for us all to understand and relate to. You did a good job of presenting both sides as well.
There were a few things that confused me a bit about the situation. For example, in paragraph four you say: " I know in the scheme of things, winning a basketball title is somewhat of a road-bump when realizing that to win it meant breaking an entire Honor code that has been established for years and years." But couldn't he have still won the title without having broken the honor code? I still agree that it was too extreme for them to kick him off of the team, but this sentence confuses the situation a bit.
Also, be sure to clarify what UW-Madison is. I did not know what school that was until it was clarified in class. Keep and eye out for other minor grammatical errors here and there, and focus on the wording of your sentences.
Over all, this was a great and well-focused topic for you to select.
Good job with your draft! Best of luck with the final.
-Meredith
Jake
ReplyDeleteSorry my comment is coming a bit late. However, I would like to mention that you chose a pretty interesting, and relevant topic. I was easily absorbed in the discussions because it involves students at our age, and has been a controversy over the years.
The letter format made an interesting touch to your essay. It was more personal, and almost sounds like it was easier to write that way.
Finally, my last comment is about word choice. For the most part it's fine, and be sure to check for phrases being used too closely with one another.
Good Luck,
Mark
Jake,
ReplyDeleteReally interesting peice, certainly enjoyed reading what you had to say on the issue. Also, the fact that you posed your point of veiw towards the university's president was effective and creative.
I have to be honest, you're so well informed on the topic, and clearly have a strong opinion on the matter (I think we share that opinion), I wanted to hear your voice more. You really captured the essence of a rogerian article by being respectful and posing two sides of the argument, but what they did to this kid was wrong, and I wanted to hear you be aggressive with tone more.
I have a strong opinion on the topic, so my telling you to be more aggressive could just be out of selfishness, but it may help. You certainly don't need much though. Great job man, deffinately a fun read.
-Brendan